The Reluctant Santa
by Smiling Seshat
Summary: Argus Filch pretends to be Santa Claus during the Battle of Hogwarts. Yes, I'm serious.


**Character: Argus Filch**

 **1\. (quote) 'Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.' - L, Death Note**

 **2\. (word) obsession**

 **15\. (restriction) no question marks**

-x-x-x-

Beyond angry, Filch made his way towards McGonagall's office. He found her in one of the corridors, and came hobbling closer.

"There are students out of bed!" he shouted.

McGonagall, instead of reacting like he had expected, seemed mad at _him_. "They're supposed to be, _you blithering fool_! Now leave, and do something constructive! We're going to be under attack soon, so we need to fortify the castle!"

"We are _not_ under attack!" exclaimed Filch, though McGonagall's ire seemed to have instilled some doubt in his tone.

"You've been wanting to use chains and all manner of barbaric tools to punish students for years! Now is your opportunity to get rid of some of that pent up aggression and attack the Death Eaters who will be here any minute! Make yourself useful!"

Evidently, Filch believed McGonagall had gone around the bend. "Being alone is better than being with the wrong person," he mumbled under his breath. He hobbled away, darting fearful glances back at McGonagall as he made his way towards his office. Mrs Norris found him on his way there, purring as she wound her way around his legs.

Once he was in his office, he headed towards the back of the room, where he opened one of several cabinets. The one he opened was marked with the words ' _Confiscated and Highly Dangerous_ '.

Inside the cabinet was a collection he considered his treasure as well as his _obsession_. It contained dangerous objects that had been confiscated from students during his years on the job. Each object stored within was like a trophy—proof of his capacity to wrangle magic users despite being nothing more than a Squib. It gave him intense satisfaction to see his collection every day as he woke in the early hours of the morning. While he had trouble believing McGonagall's claims of an imminent attack, he was still ready for the possibility.

He might not like the students, but he was in charge of their safety just as much as the other members of staff, and would do what was right.

He retrieved a large sack made from rough cloth and began filling it up with objects from the cabinet. He was careful to avoid any objects that might harm him if he touched them and only brought out the truly useful ones. Once he was done with that cabinet, he went to another one which held less harmful items.

Some of the objects he fished out of his cabinets were kept for himself. He put a Jinx-Off hat on his head, as it allowed a small amount of protection, as well as a Shield Cloak. They would not help him against the nastier spells the Death Eaters most likely had in store for their victims, but they would block weaker spells, jinxes and curses. He grumbled unhappily as he put them on, feeling disgruntled at the fact that he was wearing items that had come from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. That shop had caused him much grief when it came to idiotic students who liked to prank him.

Before he left his office, he put a Decoy Detonator and a small amount of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder in his pocket in case he would need to make an escape. Then, he carried the large sack full of goodies out towards the Great Hall.

-x-x-x-

The Great Hall was filled with students lined up by the four large House tables, most of them wearing dressing gowns. The staff was there, as well as people from outside Hogwarts that had heard of the attack and had come to help. Some were old students, and others were people Filch did not recognize. After He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's announcement, many people had left before the Death Eaters' arrival. The people at Hogwarts had been given a deadline to deliver Harry Potter, and since they were not selfish enough to simply hand the boy over to the enemy, they were now preparing for the battle that would start at midnight. Shacklebolt was addressing the ones who had stayed behind with a grave expression on his face.

"We've only got half an hour until midnight, so we need to act fast!" Shacklebolt was saying.

"Here!" said Filch, holding his sack up. He usually was not this eager to help, but the situation was exceptional. "I have several confiscated objects that are quite dangerous and could be useful." He opened the bag to show its contents.

Shacklebolt leaned forward to take a look, and brought out an item. It revealed itself to have been a Portable Swamp, which could be quite useful to trap Death Eaters and halt their movements.

Looking quite impressed, Shacklebolt gave a strong slap on Filch's back. The strength nearly made Filch's knees buckle.

"Good job!" said Shacklebolt, his tone more jovial and slightly less serious than it had been seconds ago. "Hand these out to everyone. The fireworks in there will be placed at strategic points and manned by some of the younger students. The Voodoo Fountain rockets are the most powerful, so hand those to older students! I'll leave you to decide who should be given the Dung Bombs and Weather in a Bottle." He turned to the rest of the assembled people. "Professors Flitwick, Sprout and McGonagall are going to take groups of fighters up to the three highest towers…"

Filch stopped listening to the rest in favour of walking around the Great Hall with his potato sack and distributing goodies to the students, trying to avoid scowling as he watched the collection of confiscated objects he'd needed years to obtain be returned to their hands. He swallowed his annoyance and concentrated on his task.

Mrs Norris had left the premises, perhaps to try and find some available food in the kitchens. Evidently she felt she had better things to do.

He found the scant thirty minutes spent distributing his prized confiscated magical objects to each passerby in the corridors the most stressful he'd ever had to live. He knew full well that he would most likely die in the coming battle, as he was unable to do any magic, but somehow it did not seem too bad. He would die for a good cause, which was more than he had ever expected, really.

When Voldemort had made his great return and attacks on Muggles had grown more frequent, Filch had known his time was limited. And when Hogwarts had been taken over by the Death Eaters, with those horrible Carrows making everyone's life miserable, Filch had spent every day hoping he would not die.

"It's midnight!" someone shrieked, making Filch raise his head in alarm.

As if those words had been a catalyst, the sound of an explosion was heard.

Filch had moved towards the castle's entrance as he had been distributing his items, and so he was a witness to the sight of the large wooden doors becoming victim of a second explosion that sent chips of wood flying everywhere.

Filch began to run back towards the Great Hall as he heard the Death Eaters pouring in through the entrance. He hated himself for being such a coward, but knew he wouldn't be useful in a fight. Instead, he could warn others of the position of the Death Eaters, and try to give away the last of the objects he had in his sack.

Panting harshly as he hobbled through several corridors, he threw a Weasley's Wet Weather behind him. After a second of thought, he fished out a Tiny Twister, which was a small tornado contained within a glass jar, and flung it into the middle of the large dark rainclouds that were appearing. The glass shattered, and the tornado grew larger, finally free. It combined with the large clouds and caused an unholy mixture that promised to be a dangerous surprise to whatever intruder came here, trying to penetrate the castle further.

He turned away from his meteorological creation to continue his run towards the Great Hall, but was faced with a rather nasty surprise. A Death Eater had just appeared, blocking his path.

The man Filch was faced with had no mask, which made it easy to recognize him. He was rather burly and muscled. He had blond hair and pale skin and his face was twisted into an expression of intense disgust. His name was Thorfinn Rowle.

"If it isn't Dumbledore's pet _Squib…_ " Rowle taunted, his wand pointed at Filch.

Luckily, Filch was faster. Before the Death Eater could react, Filch brought out the Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and threw it at the ground. The whole corridor was engulfed in darkness, and Filch moved to the left, knowing the if he tried to make his way past the Death Eater he'd be detected and killed.

He put his hand in his pocket and found the Decoy Detonator, which he lobbed at where he estimated Rowle to be.

It took a few seconds, but soon enough he heard the sound of the Decoy Detonator. It was akin to a large bang.

Filch began to run, ignoring his aches and his bad leg. For the first time in a long time, he was running instead of hobbling about, though he was swearing from the pain of old age. He could hear Rowle shouting behind him, and he knew he was being followed, but he was only concentrating on getting to the Great Hall.

Unfortunately, when he finally arrived at his destination, he found that a battle was already taking place there. The Death Eaters had managed to be faster than him, and his warning had come too late. He moved as if to try and help, when a sickly green spell shot past him from behind.

Rowle had managed to catch up.

Truly desperate, Filch riffled through his sack, but there was only one object left: a Crystal Incantation Comet, which was a rather large and powerful rocket. It had been one of the numerous fireworks he'd taken from students ever since the Weasleys had opened shop.

Rowle was already moving his wand towards Filch, so the caretaker twisted the cap off the rocket, thus activating it, and pointed it at Rowle.

The last thing he saw was Rowle's stunned expression as an enormous rocket exploded in his face, growing into the form of a huge, comet-shaped firework. Then, a Killing Curse caught Filch from behind, and he knew no more.

That was how Argus Filch's career as a caretaker ended.

Filch had given his life to protect the castle and he had gone out with a _bang_.

He never did manage to thank the Weasleys for creating the items that had proven far more useful as tools for war than for pranking, but the amount of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes products that had been used during the battle would give the Weasleys some happier memories to even out the bleak ones of the Hogwarts Battle. That would have to be enough.

In the years following this battle, Hogwarts would be rebuilt, and a statue would be erected, representing Filch with a large sack thrown over his shoulder, scowling at passers-by. Underneath would be the inscription:

 _In memory of_

 _Argus Filch_

 _Caretaker of Hogwarts_

 _1948-1998_

 _The 'Santa Claus' we needed during the Battle of Hogwarts._

 _We shall never forget._


End file.
